Frustração

[Marie-Claire]

I have never been very good at patience in the learning process. I like being a rockstar IMMEDIATELY, and when I have to work too hard at something, I get frustrated and want to quit. Is there something wrong with me, or do lots of people feel this way?

I remember reading somewhere that kids in "gifted" programs and such actually tend to fail or otherwise do poorly in school much more often than "regular" kids. Something about not being used to having to put an effort (so no skill in studying and patiently practicing 'til perfect), fearing failure, unnaturally high expectations and pressure from parents and teachers (not being "allowed" to make errors as they go--because they're "gifted" they must never make mistakes). It's this being unnaccustomed to having to struggle, and also an unconscious rebellion at having to be what everyone else demands, that builds up and causes implosion. Each screw-up reinforces the negative parts of this cycle and it becomes a spiral.

I believe it. I should have been valedictorian. I'm fucking SMART, contrary to what I'll self-deprecatingly tell you. But I almost failed high school. Granted, I was dealing with some heavy emotional issues, but a large part of that was a lack of knowledge in how to approach difficult tasks. Life post-school, I still struggle. When things appeal to me, I go after them with gusto. I'm curious and hungry to learn. Just my nature. But most of the time, when my natural talent runs out and I have to really invest myself in practice, useful failure, constructive criticism, and other such building blocks...I tend to peter out. Also my nature...not as positive and neato as the gusto.

I guess everyone has aspects of themself they're not so proud of. But being normal doesn't mean it's comfortable.

Conscious imcompetence...a split second after I make a mistake, I'm very aware of it. My brain knows what's going on, but doesn't remember until too late, and my body just does whatever the hell it wants to. I can occasioanlly pull off the "conscious competence" bit, in drills and working in pairs, but when we hit game time...not yet. It's frustrating. To say the least.

I think it would be easier to handle if I wasn't so exposed as I made errors. When I mess up in the middle of the roda, there's nothing hiding it. Every single person in there sees it. Everyone says they don't care what anyone else thinks, because it's the cool thing to do. I'm so independent. I do what I want. Fuck y'all. It's become a pretentious status element to loudly proclaim you're completely independent. But if you really look, most of us DO care, and those of us who admit are much better off than those of us living in denial--you can address the issues behind it.

But I digress.

I screw up, and instantly project my negative self-dialogue onto my irmãos e irmãs in the roda. No logical reason to assume they're judging me. No logical reason for ANY of my self-loathing--just instinctual messages from past poisoners. I'm digressing again...regardless of logic, the feelings are there. I instantly feel a roomful of exasperated, rolling eyes and disappointment in myself for "letting them down". Like the school disaster, it spirals--I start to doubt myself, and the grand schemes I had to play with confidence (regardless of my newness) end up with me just flailing around.

Ick.

As intensely focused as I have been on capoeira, I realized that I also feel this way about muay Thai. I feel like I "should" be much better than I am, as "long" as I have been training, and when I make mistakes, I feel terrible, especially if someone else is watching.

I can step back and see that it's much less severe than in my past--I take criticism much better than I used to, and I'm not completely crippled by a fear of feeling stupid, as should be obvious to anyone who's seen me spastically jammin' out to Beck whilst working the Verissimos. But still...it needs to go farther than that. I have made a breakthrough and accidentally stumbled on The Important Thing, and I can't just let it go because I'm too concerned with others' impressions.

This fear is obviously unhealthy. I can't go through life feeling bad, especially about things that speak to my soul--I need those things to balance out the necessary drudgery of adulthood. I have to break through the walls over and over again until the lesson sticks. If I have to "shame" myself by scornfully assessing the situation (oh, look at you...too worried about looking silly to make changes in your life--shit, if I was looking from the outside in, at someone else, I'd be tearing them apart for the foolishness!), then I better do it!

I don't want to lose this. This is too important.

Now to less philosophical matters, just mostly for my own notes:

I must work on (critcism offered by Paulo):

~No bad habits--easier to be slow and learn the right way than to have to try to break ingrained habits later.
~Legs straight when kicking, especially meia lua de compasso
~Throw strikes and kicks at the target, not just in the air. No fear of hurting your fellow player--they cannot learn to dodge if you pull all strikes before they even get close. Advanced students know when to move, no worries there, and new ones...well...catching a martelo here and there will certainly provide an object lesson on getting the hell out of the way!
~Awareness. It's a dialogue, not a fight. Watch your opponent, not the floor, your hands, the air, whatever.

[Lua]

This is really well written, and I feel this way too sometimes. My pride and fear of failure held me back a lot, and still holds me back sometimes when I should just let go and try my best. Amongst other things, capoeira showed me how much more I grow when I'm humble, patient, and honest. Best of luck with your training! Even though we're very far apart geographically, perhaps I'll have a chance to meet you one day at an event :)

[Joaninha]

Hey, Marie-Claire. I hear you on the "not working hard once you actually have to" end...throughout my first couple years of university, I always took courses that I either enjoyed/was naturally good at or I could get an okay grade just attending classes and last-minute cramming for. Then once I actually had to take a course that was both difficult and not interesting to me or within my talents...I tried treating it the way I'd treated all my other courses, and didn't get my act together for it, and ended up failing.
You're definitely right about the making mistakes in front of an audience part...if telling yourself you don't care or people don't notice doesn't work, however, maybe you could look at it this way: If someone notices, they've still been in the exact same position you're in, *no matter what*, and so they are more likely to sympathize than condemn. Unless it's your teacher giving constructive criticism, but even then, that's to help you improve, and not necessarily an immediate rejection of your game--or you--if that makes sense?

Anyway, I hope you make the progress you're looking for on your improvements--I'm pretty sure I read somewhere once that you've increased the chances of that by like a bizillion times just by writing them down. :)